im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Actions speak louder than pants.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
