Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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