I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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