I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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