people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
