It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
