My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want her autograph on my taint
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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