i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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