Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
