my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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