My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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