You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
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I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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