Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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