i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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