I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm jealous of your bromance
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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