you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives