If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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