my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
