is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
