Yo dont text me then not text me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
