I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
