My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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