I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
