How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Operation Purity has been aborted
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
