she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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