these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
