I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
