Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
