mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
