i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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