I will die if light touches me.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
