It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
