I'm really into asian looking animals
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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