Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
