ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
