Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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