he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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