you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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