Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
