I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
