I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
