my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
