I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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