i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
