I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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