I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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