dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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