i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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