I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
