By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
