I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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