remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
