I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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