NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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