70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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