Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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